Of course. [ he always has time for her. especially when she's acting all nervy.
which is a little worrying when it doesn't go away. what could she be so worried about asking him? they're husband and wife; they've been with each other through thick and thin. surely she knows that she can ask him anything and he won't think any less of her. ]
Hastily, she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, moving to stand at his side. ]
I was out walking, and... I was wondering. [ She clears her throat lightly, obviously uncomfortable, searching for words from an enormous collection of choices that don't fit. ] Have you thought at all about a family? About... our family? And, um, if and when you might want something like that?
[ Hopefully, it's abstract enough that it comes off as more of a simple (or not) question rather than a more pressing issue. Maker, they've scraped the surface of this conversation a few times, but there's always been so much happening in both their lives. With the events at the Winter Palace and then trying to hunt down Solas and adjusting to a quieter life...
Then again, their marriage had been spontaneous; why shouldn't their first child? ]
[ that... is not the kind of question he was expecting. and it throws him for a rather large loop. ]
I hadn't thought much about it, honestly. [ he scratches at the back of his neck, ears turning red. ] When I was a templar, I didn't think I would ever have a family. And then you came along and... turned all of that on its side.
[ not that he minds! quite the opposite in fact, which is evidenced by the dumb, lovestruck look on his face. ]
I... I think I'd like it, someday. Having a family. [ yet even as he says it, he's looking away, brow furrowing. ] I don't know if I would be a good father. Not--not after all I've done and been through.
[ but, maker, now that he's thinking about it, he would like to be one someday. between cecily and his siblings who are all much more normal than him, he wouldn't be able to screw up any child too badly, he doesn't think. ]
I'm not sure I just "came along." [ Despite herself, she grins. ] What with the explosion, the demons, the tear in the sky... and all.
[ So subtle. Well, it isn't as if she'd had a part in any of that, really- or, rather, as if she'd chosen any of it. Alas, it was just the beginning of the Very Bad Luck of the former Inquisitor. ]
Someday. [ She repeats lightly. Play it cool, you gave speeches were the figurehead of an organization that saved the world. Except, there's a pinkness creeping across the bridge of her nose. ] What if it were a little more concrete and a little sooner? ... Within the year? Or so?
[ WHY ARE EMOTIONS SO HARD because now she can't quite meet his eyes, shifts her weight and worries at her lip. He said he'd like it, didn't he? But, it could still be in hypotheticals. The real, hard fact of a pregnancy is not the same as a light conversation about future children.
Cecily swallows. Finally looks up at him. ]
In that case, I might have some good news for you.
[ things fall into place when she says 'more concrete' and cullen freezes. eyes wide with shock, he can't do anything but stare at her as she talks and for a little while after. he's utterly still. but his mind is racing.
she's pregnant. his wife is pregnant. he's... going to be a father. there is a very small life growing in cecily that he had a part in creating and suddenly all the hypothetical worries about being a terrible father are very much real and here. but he--he gets to see cecily as a mother. as mother to his child. somehow that desire he was never fully aware of overrides most of his anxiety. ]
You're-- [ he has to pause and swallow hard because his voice is more of a croak than anything else. ] You're sure? We're having a child?
[ maker's breath.
cullen laughs quietly, a shocked and disbelieving thing. but he's smiling. there is so much about this situation that could go wrong, but all he can think is that after kinloch, after kirkwall, he thought this was an impossibility. a happiness he would never be able to hold in his stained hands.
he wraps his arms around cecily and buries his face in her hair. ] Thank you.
[ She isn't completely sure what he'll do, what he'll say, and it doesn't help (though it isn't a surprise) that his first reaction is shock. ... When he laughs, however softly, draws her in close and whispers against her ear, she's almost overcome with gratitude. ]
I'm sure. [ The signs, as she's understood them and once or twice seen in others, are unmistakable. She's as sure as she can be without having actually consulted a healer, but she couldn't bear doing that without speaking to him, first, not when she hadn't been entirely sure what the reaction might be. ]
You're happy, then? [ Cecily asks weakly, curling her arms around him, thumbing patterns at his back. She's happy in some ways, but most of what she's feeling is worry. Worry that the child of these two particular people might be more of a target than anything. That it could take from their efforts to stop Solas from his plans.
If he changes his mind, it's possible that there could be something to be done, but the idea, however necessary, twists at her heart in a new and unexpected way. ]
I am. [ it's not even a lie. but at the same time... ] I am also utterly terrified.
[ cullen kisses her temple and pulls back to rest his forehead against hers. ]
We've no idea what the future will bring. [ because of solas and his terrible, terrible plan. and because he doesn't know what over a decade on lyrium is going to do to him as he grows older. ] And I have no idea how to be a father.
[ that... that's the really scary thing. he remembers looking after branson and rosalie, and he knows there have been jokes about him sometimes acting like a father to his troops. (it made sense at the time to treat them more like his father had treated him--stern but forgiving; strongly worded and carefully coaxing in turn--than the harsh taskmasters he trained under as a templar recruit. he'd wanted to distance himself from that and he hadn't even thought of what other people would think of his methods.) but an actual child? that's something that will keep him up at night. ]
But now that this is more than a hypothetical, 'maybe one day' sort of a thing... I want this. I want us to have a family.
[ he frowns a little as a thought suddenly occurs to him. ] Do you?
I do. [ She replies quickly, perhaps too quickly; it's more a half-truth than anything. Bits of honesty mingled with fear. Her eyebrows duck down in contemplation, but she soon heaves a short sigh and meets his gaze again, clarifying: ] It's-... You know the state of things as well as I do. Every day that passes in which we fail to find Solas is one that could be the last.
[ But it isn't that and they both know it. Of course, that fact is both dire and pressing, but it isn't why she's shaken to her core at the idea of having a child. Children, potentially; it's too soon to tell. ]
What if something happens to it because of the Inquisition? [ "Because of me?" ] There are still Venatori, some of the rogue Templars, Qunari... and some of Solas' more violent followers may take it upon themselves to seek us out.
[ What if, what if, what if? Her fingers curl into the fabric at his chest as she shuts her eyes tight, not wanting to betray the depth of weakness she thinks she's showing lately with so much seemingly out of her control. Not only in the external sense, even, but in her own badly-contained management of it all. ]
something in cullen's chest twists painfully as cecily tries to shut down her expressions. the way she clutches at him makes him want to find some way to fix the world so he'll never have to see her like this again. but he can't. that's not how life works.
instead, he cradles the back of her head in gentle hands and brushes a kiss across her forehead. ] We can take precautions. We've more friends because of the Inquisition than we do enemies.
[ bull and the chargers, he knows, would be more than willing to spend some time with them while they have their hands so full with the little one they can't keep more than an ear out for danger. rylen and a few other good men and women cullen worked closely with would be happy to play bodyguard for their son or daughter until they were able to defend themselves. maybe even longer. ]
I know. [ She says hurriedly; in fear and anxiety and whatever else, she still has her head, her sensibleness. ] I know we will.
[ Their enemies may be less than they'd once been, but they're still powerful. ... Even so, Cullen is right and she takes a breath, savoring the moment with him and trying to summon happiness and some of the other things expecting mothers might usually feel rather than prickles of dread.
Cecily looks up at him, managing a little smile. ]
I haven't been to see anyone; I thought you ought to be the first to know. [ And then, because she knows his concerns for her health and the health of their child will arise sooner rather than later, she adds: ] But I can send for one, just to make absolutely sure.
[ he smiles back down at her and it's--small and a little nervy, to be honest. because he's feeling a little nervous now that everything is starting to sink in. not just for the little life they've managed to begin, but for cecily. ]
Maybe we should let Leliana screen midwives for us.
[ it sounds like it should be a joke, but cullen's dead serious. ( and that is a terrible turn of phrase, now that he thinks about it. ) both because they don't want someone loose-lipped confirming that the once-inquisitor is with child and because, well.
assassins. ]
I'm sure she knows someone who knows someone who could be here soon.
[ why do neither of them know any good healers? you'd think with the inquisition being what it was, one would've ended up in cecily's inner circle. but, no. that is one kind of person they're without. ]
Do you know, I guarantee she's already heard about it... somehow.
[ Agents outside their walls, maybe, or up atop the roof. Cecily would be about as far from surprised as possible if a healer arrived on their doorstep within the hour without their lifting a finger. ]
But, yes, we... should. [ Admitting that their lives could be in danger isn't a novel concept, but admitting that someone might invade their home to murder their unborn child (and/or her; not as important) is disturbing. Keeping with the tradition of the conversation thus far, she doesn't show any of it in her face, hastily tucking wayward hair behind her ear and glancing away. ]
I can write to her now that you know. [ Cullen first, just in case. To make sure it was something he wanted since she hadn't been entirely sure for herself. ... She still isn't completely convinced, but he'll win her over.
It's vastly complicated in a new and foreign way that makes her deeply uneasy. ]
Is there anything else I might include? [ Cecily asks, hunting for paper and a writing utensil, pausing to glance back at him. ] And I don't think any other letters should go out just yet, in case - well, not before we've heard from Leliana.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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which is a little worrying when it doesn't go away. what could she be so worried about asking him? they're husband and wife; they've been with each other through thick and thin. surely she knows that she can ask him anything and he won't think any less of her. ]
What did you want to ask?
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Hastily, she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, moving to stand at his side. ]
I was out walking, and... I was wondering. [ She clears her throat lightly, obviously uncomfortable, searching for words from an enormous collection of choices that don't fit. ] Have you thought at all about a family? About... our family? And, um, if and when you might want something like that?
[ Hopefully, it's abstract enough that it comes off as more of a simple (or not) question rather than a more pressing issue. Maker, they've scraped the surface of this conversation a few times, but there's always been so much happening in both their lives. With the events at the Winter Palace and then trying to hunt down Solas and adjusting to a quieter life...
Then again, their marriage had been spontaneous; why shouldn't their first child? ]
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I hadn't thought much about it, honestly. [ he scratches at the back of his neck, ears turning red. ] When I was a templar, I didn't think I would ever have a family. And then you came along and... turned all of that on its side.
[ not that he minds! quite the opposite in fact, which is evidenced by the dumb, lovestruck look on his face. ]
I... I think I'd like it, someday. Having a family. [ yet even as he says it, he's looking away, brow furrowing. ] I don't know if I would be a good father. Not--not after all I've done and been through.
[ but, maker, now that he's thinking about it, he would like to be one someday. between cecily and his siblings who are all much more normal than him, he wouldn't be able to screw up any child too badly, he doesn't think. ]
Why?
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[ So subtle. Well, it isn't as if she'd had a part in any of that, really- or, rather, as if she'd chosen any of it. Alas, it was just the beginning of the Very Bad Luck of the former Inquisitor. ]
Someday. [ She repeats lightly. Play it cool, you gave speeches were the figurehead of an organization that saved the world. Except, there's a pinkness creeping across the bridge of her nose. ] What if it were a little more concrete and a little sooner? ... Within the year? Or so?
[ WHY ARE EMOTIONS SO HARD because now she can't quite meet his eyes, shifts her weight and worries at her lip. He said he'd like it, didn't he? But, it could still be in hypotheticals. The real, hard fact of a pregnancy is not the same as a light conversation about future children.
Cecily swallows. Finally looks up at him. ]
In that case, I might have some good news for you.
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she's pregnant. his wife is pregnant. he's... going to be a father. there is a very small life growing in cecily that he had a part in creating and suddenly all the hypothetical worries about being a terrible father are very much real and here. but he--he gets to see cecily as a mother. as mother to his child. somehow that desire he was never fully aware of overrides most of his anxiety. ]
You're-- [ he has to pause and swallow hard because his voice is more of a croak than anything else. ] You're sure? We're having a child?
[ maker's breath.
cullen laughs quietly, a shocked and disbelieving thing. but he's smiling. there is so much about this situation that could go wrong, but all he can think is that after kinloch, after kirkwall, he thought this was an impossibility. a happiness he would never be able to hold in his stained hands.
he wraps his arms around cecily and buries his face in her hair. ] Thank you.
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I'm sure. [ The signs, as she's understood them and once or twice seen in others, are unmistakable. She's as sure as she can be without having actually consulted a healer, but she couldn't bear doing that without speaking to him, first, not when she hadn't been entirely sure what the reaction might be. ]
You're happy, then? [ Cecily asks weakly, curling her arms around him, thumbing patterns at his back. She's happy in some ways, but most of what she's feeling is worry. Worry that the child of these two particular people might be more of a target than anything. That it could take from their efforts to stop Solas from his plans.
If he changes his mind, it's possible that there could be something to be done, but the idea, however necessary, twists at her heart in a new and unexpected way. ]
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[ cullen kisses her temple and pulls back to rest his forehead against hers. ]
We've no idea what the future will bring. [ because of solas and his terrible, terrible plan. and because he doesn't know what over a decade on lyrium is going to do to him as he grows older. ] And I have no idea how to be a father.
[ that... that's the really scary thing. he remembers looking after branson and rosalie, and he knows there have been jokes about him sometimes acting like a father to his troops. (it made sense at the time to treat them more like his father had treated him--stern but forgiving; strongly worded and carefully coaxing in turn--than the harsh taskmasters he trained under as a templar recruit. he'd wanted to distance himself from that and he hadn't even thought of what other people would think of his methods.) but an actual child? that's something that will keep him up at night. ]
But now that this is more than a hypothetical, 'maybe one day' sort of a thing... I want this. I want us to have a family.
[ he frowns a little as a thought suddenly occurs to him. ] Do you?
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[ But it isn't that and they both know it. Of course, that fact is both dire and pressing, but it isn't why she's shaken to her core at the idea of having a child. Children, potentially; it's too soon to tell. ]
What if something happens to it because of the Inquisition? [ "Because of me?" ] There are still Venatori, some of the rogue Templars, Qunari... and some of Solas' more violent followers may take it upon themselves to seek us out.
[ What if, what if, what if? Her fingers curl into the fabric at his chest as she shuts her eyes tight, not wanting to betray the depth of weakness she thinks she's showing lately with so much seemingly out of her control. Not only in the external sense, even, but in her own badly-contained management of it all. ]
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something in cullen's chest twists painfully as cecily tries to shut down her expressions. the way she clutches at him makes him want to find some way to fix the world so he'll never have to see her like this again. but he can't. that's not how life works.
instead, he cradles the back of her head in gentle hands and brushes a kiss across her forehead. ] We can take precautions. We've more friends because of the Inquisition than we do enemies.
[ bull and the chargers, he knows, would be more than willing to spend some time with them while they have their hands so full with the little one they can't keep more than an ear out for danger. rylen and a few other good men and women cullen worked closely with would be happy to play bodyguard for their son or daughter until they were able to defend themselves. maybe even longer. ]
We'll find a way to make it work.
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[ Their enemies may be less than they'd once been, but they're still powerful. ... Even so, Cullen is right and she takes a breath, savoring the moment with him and trying to summon happiness and some of the other things expecting mothers might usually feel rather than prickles of dread.
Cecily looks up at him, managing a little smile. ]
I haven't been to see anyone; I thought you ought to be the first to know. [ And then, because she knows his concerns for her health and the health of their child will arise sooner rather than later, she adds: ] But I can send for one, just to make absolutely sure.
[ She's sure, though. ]
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Maybe we should let Leliana screen midwives for us.
[ it sounds like it should be a joke, but cullen's dead serious. ( and that is a terrible turn of phrase, now that he thinks about it. ) both because they don't want someone loose-lipped confirming that the once-inquisitor is with child and because, well.
assassins. ]
I'm sure she knows someone who knows someone who could be here soon.
[ why do neither of them know any good healers? you'd think with the inquisition being what it was, one would've ended up in cecily's inner circle. but, no. that is one kind of person they're without. ]
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[ Agents outside their walls, maybe, or up atop the roof. Cecily would be about as far from surprised as possible if a healer arrived on their doorstep within the hour without their lifting a finger. ]
But, yes, we... should. [ Admitting that their lives could be in danger isn't a novel concept, but admitting that someone might invade their home to murder their unborn child (and/or her; not as important) is disturbing. Keeping with the tradition of the conversation thus far, she doesn't show any of it in her face, hastily tucking wayward hair behind her ear and glancing away. ]
I can write to her now that you know. [ Cullen first, just in case. To make sure it was something he wanted since she hadn't been entirely sure for herself. ... She still isn't completely convinced, but he'll win her over.
It's vastly complicated in a new and foreign way that makes her deeply uneasy. ]
Is there anything else I might include? [ Cecily asks, hunting for paper and a writing utensil, pausing to glance back at him. ] And I don't think any other letters should go out just yet, in case - well, not before we've heard from Leliana.
[ In case. Just in case. ]
Does that sound as paranoid as I think it does?